I have been unwell for 2 days – emotionally unwell. I am missing being happy chirpy that I usually am. I missed a few deadlines at work. Almost had an argument with my mother. It’s a different state of mind.
Natasha – the girl who helped me love life, made me a stronger person, stood by me at all times isn’t around me anymore. She got married and has shifted base to New Zealand where her husband is. I knew this would happen someday, a new life will start without me but I am uncomfortable. When I bid her goodbye on Tuesday evening, I felt drained. I am emotionally a strong person but letting go of people has been my area of opportunity – I take time. I remember feeling like this 11 years ago when my father abandoned us. I guess it’s got to do with the people you love. Anyway.
Apparently, she kept smiling at me for 2 days until I caved and took a break from resting bitch face 🙂 that’s how we met in april 2007. Since then it’s been a crazy time together. We have barged in on each other without notice, been cynical together, and co-dependent. I very well remember this epic episode – we had a crush on the same guy 🙂 and like most of the girls in early 20s we both took the challenge to woo the guy (we 3 were in the same office). It was going strong but all of a sudden she met with an accident. She was in the hospital and I was by her side waiting for her to regain consciousness. My darling friend woke up after 9 hours of undeclared break and her first words were”babes I really love Upraj, pls stop chasing him” smiling at her I promised I am out of this (as filmy as this may sound she married the SAME guy in November 2014).
That wasn’t it. When I was 26 I was in a total mess. I ran away to Mcleodganj because I failed to explain my folks why I don’t want to get married. I couldn’t stand the continuous pressure and called her at midnight – ”don’t worry, let’s go wherever you say” she said like an obedient friend. She didn’t even once try to change my mind given she knew me so well. We reached ISBT delhi and boarded the bus to Mcleodganj. If I was bitter on love, she would make the whole ordeal funny and we then were miserable about love together.
She spent next 3 days trekking to Triund and the snow line with me. Not even once did she talk about why I did what I did. On the last day en-route Bhagshunag waterfall I got all emotional and thanked her for saving me. The conversation we had that day changed me forever. ”I won’t be there always. Someday I will move on in life, I may die too! But you will be with yourself forever. You are fighting with your folks, but do you know what are you fighting for?”She said and went on to the other side of the waterfall. Everything at once made abso-fucking-lutely sense. I knew I was fighting for my freedom – freedom to travel – freedom to decide when I want to marry – or if I don’t want to marry. Everything was clear.
We boarded the bus to Delhi and staring out the same window I promised her I won’t ever run away. I was a stronger a person, ready to trim the sides of my life, keeping what’s important and discarding what isn’t. Though it took my folks more than a year to really come to terms to the fact that I don’t want to get married, things are better now 🙂
Coming back to Natasha, it’s a specific kind of acute loneliness that’s hitting me like a wave of nausea.
No matter how wonderful and devoted your friend is, there’s a certain sense of camaraderie that gets lost with distance. As much as I am happy about her, a small part of me will eternally miss being with her. I know I will get used to not seeing her much but I miss her. She is one the highlights of my existence.
Wish you a very happy married life Natasha. I love you too.
P.S. I guess I need to travel over this weekend to get over her immediate longing 🙂